When the World is Not Enough

'I had started having sex with my boyfriend and the sex and the emotions didn't feel enough.
'I was no longer a little girl. In a moment of wanting to feel closer to my boyfriend I grabbed a knife and cut him. He cut me back.'
'We had an exchange of something and we were covered in blood, my heart was racing. Then whenever I felt trapped, I'd cut myself. I have a lot of scars.'

-Angelina Jolie, Interview for OK! magazine.



In high school I tried to cut and scar myself but failed, after many attempts to produce more than a tiny cut on my arm. I wanted to prove my love to a boy who probably doesn’t remember my name. It was infatuation, not love and entirely one sided as such things often are. I made myself bleed for him and he was never the wiser.

I did it because I wanted to feel something intense and real. Perhaps the whole infatuation was based on that yearning though I was looking for a connection that would never be made. Cutting, obviously wasn’t my thing. But I understand what made Angelina pick up that knife- sometimes even the connections that are supposed to feel the most intimate don’t feel intense enough. I wonder how many other people feel that way. I feel like I’m constantly struggling to feel something real.